I can do this

I can do this. The month is almost over and I've been to hell and back at least 5 times but I am stronger now. Life , running on 2-4 hours of sleep a night isn't very easy but you just gotta make the best of it. I lived through the yelling and I lived through the heart ache and I will live through it all over again. On that little sleep you don't really get a chance to dream much and when you do, you barely remember them but over the last 4 days I've been having more vivid dreams that I can remember a little so here I go.

Day 1 : Dreamin' bout the ex I haven't talked to in 9 months.

I was at a cottage with some friends of mine from High School when someone rang at the door. I go and open the door and there he was. My ex Mike that I hadn't seen in over a year and not talked to in months. The snow was falling and he asked me for a walk in the snow and so I get dressed and go with him. We go walking and it was just like the first time we had talked on the phone. So peaceful , so calm. The snow started falling faster and harder and soon was hard to walk. He took my hand and guided me into a cave where we found shelter from the wind and cold and we just talked. He told me he missed me and that he regretted the things he'd said. But I just turned away, couldn't bear to look at him no more....

I woke up and realized I missed him a lot. For a long time he was my only friend I could trust and I miss that. But getting called a whore when you're trying to be just friends with someone and trying to move passed the relationship issues and trying to move on and find your happiness doesnt work in my world . It just HURTS.

Day 2 : The Queen is dead?

I was walking to school on a hot summer day with a friend , Caroline I think it was, and we were walking through the cemetery. All of a sudden we heard voices saying "the queen is dead! the queen is dead!" So we start looking around for the voices but we couldn't find where they were coming from. We followed the voices to a very old part of the cemetery with tombs dating back to the early 1400's. There were more and more trees in this area and all the way in the back we could see a little chapel with a few people all dressed in black. I walk up to the chapel ( cause at some point in time Caroline just vanishes out of my dream) and ask what is going on. An elderly looking man looks at me and tells me that the Queen is dead. I stare at him blankly and he adds on : " You know... Queen Annabelle?" I don't say anything but just follow into the small chapel where hundreds of people are standing around a shiny ebony casket. I drop a single white rose on it then walk out of the chapel where I am greeted by my friend Phil. He looks at me and says: " the queen is dead!" I don't understand the link between all these familiar people , the queen and I , but when I was near her casket I felt so warm inside yet so empty like part of me was missing....

I have no idea where that dream came from ... I mean... the queen is dead? Lol kinda weird.

Day 3: BUUUUUUGS!

The shortest dream I remember...
I was walking along a major road with my friend Dave when all of a sudden he picked up a funny looking bug and through it at me. It his me in the neck with a splat and as it did millions of bugs came swarming in and I woke up in a cold sweat.

Day 4 : I miss my friend ( the hardest dream)

I'm sitting in a warm sunny field, once visited in a dream with a friend , but this time I was sitting alone. In my gray bubble of thoughts and dreams I see memories of dreams of him and I. Thoughts of him and what I wanted to do with him float around me. Like a whirl wind of hurt and pain. I cry and tremble and realize I miss my friend. I miss the laughter I miss the smiles and I miss the sleep with angels he told me every night. I lay down to try and sleep off the dizzy from all the thoughts. I quickly fall asleep in the warm afternoon sun and I am taken to dreamland, at least ... I think its dreamland...I wake up and I am in a school. Its really warm so I take off my sweater and start wandering around. I look into different classrooms and bathrooms, I can feel his presence there. I KNOW he is around waiting to be found. Except I never find him in any of the rooms I visit, only find more "could of been" memories and finally I decide to take the elevator to the basement. Deep deep deep down in the school of memories and finally when the doors open I see him right there in the dim light. Just waiting for me. I walk up to him and he opens up his arms and without a single word he manages to make me feel all warm inside again.

I miss my friend. The one who would make me smile when I was down. The friend I could be myself with and the friend I loved dearly. He knows who he is and that is all that matters I guess.

Today ... That friend came back into my life and I am thankful. Times have been hard and times will be hard and I could really use a friend like him around. I know I loved him as more but I know it can't happen so I let go and I am ready to love him for what he is, the best kind of friend a girl can ask for.

Taking a Break

Taking a break from dreambloggin ... am too sad to even bother typing them up right now. Ill be fine though I know I will... am strong... not really...

Life... the thing that makes you ... YOU

I've been sitting here, going through groups on face book a lot lately and I been seeing all these faces and names that I recognize. I sit here and I wonder. I wonder what everyone has become. All the people that crossed my path when I was younger.Who are they now? Who do they want to be? and all that random stuff. So now I am here and I am going to tell a bit of my story and a bit of who I am , starting from the beginning.

Childhood the part of life that you can't wait to get out of but then want back
I was born May 20th 1986 in Laval to francophone parents.I was always a happy ,quiet and peaceful child. Rarely did I ever get in trouble. I grew up in Auteuil , down the street from my godmother and my cousin which whom I had always been close. My brother was born February 29th 1988 , changed things a bit, but we were still happy. I grew up and started going to school. First to Twin Oaks Elementary school, then Prince Charles/ T.H.Bows and then finally Crestview Elementary. Somewhere in the midst of things my parents got divorced. Dad had a bad drug addiction and it was getting bad at home. Not many people ever saw that side of my family life, yet alone heard about it. I was 8 when they divorced and I was 9 when I grew up. We had just moved into a new apartment in Laval-des-rapides. The park was maybe 8 houses down the street so I was allowed to go by myself as long as I was back before dark. Then one day, it all changed.He came up behind me as I was on the swing set, swinging front and back gently. A stranger, a man I did not know , slowly putting his arms around me, feeling his hands around my chest and then onto my mouth to muffle my screams. He took me beneath the bleachers. I remember his voice when he told me not to scream or I was dead. I remember what I was wearing and I remember his hand going up my dress. Slowly, inch by inch his hand would slide up my leg.That day , I became a stranger in my own life. I didn't know who I was or where I was going.

High school was probably the happiest times of my life. I met the few true, real and honest friends I still have today and got my first job.I first went to Western Laval H.S. and that is where I met Chris who introduced me to the rest of the people.Always did the minimum work , but always managed to pass all my exams and semesters,well, at least til middle of 10th grade. My brother had started going to the same school as me and it was starting to get to me. Getting pulled out of exams to have him tell me he was gonna kill someone... not easy to focus after that. So, I changed schools and went to French school. I started going to Cure-Antoine-Labelle where I fit in fast enough and had a good last year and a half of school. It was hard though, the transition from english to french, but I pulled through.

Graduation The doorway to adulthood.
It was June 2003. A nice sunny day. Pictures with friends and boyfriend I made working at the grocery store, the prom , the pictures and the after party.The last memories of childhood and the first of adulthood. One last summer to have fun and screw up, then was time to get serious.

Then came college and all my fuck ups... I will leave my life here for now and pick it up another time.

BACK IN DREAMLAND!

For one reason or another, I haven't dreamed in a week or so, BUT... I am now back in dreamland!! I really think my book is getting to me... I've been reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown and I could swear my dream was the same thing...an endless chase after a little drop of antimatter. Only difference was the people in my dream. I was there... and he was there ( finally cause I missed him to bits) we finally find the antimatter and neutralize it and then we share a long deep passionate kiss . I woke up wet and in a sweat, thinking of him and longing for him.

Oh how I wish sometimes that there weren't 4000 miles between, but like he says the distance is there to buy us time and get to know each other. He is right. He always is.So I sit here at 7am listening to the voice clips he sent me and Hope.