Whisper.

Junco in the snow. By: Patricia Keppens December 21st 2008.

I realized today, that friends come and friends go. The time has come, for me to let go the past, to change and better myself. It is time to let go of some old friends, that no longer are present. To stop trying and to move on. Here is a poem, depicting how I have felt as of late, its not much but its all the feelings buried deep inside in a nutshell.

Whisper

I slowly become,
just a whisper in the night.
A silent ghost,
of moments past.
I fade into the memories,
long ago forgotten.
Like dusk,
I disappear into the night.
Very soon you will forget,
the times and moments shared.
A vacant lot,
in a field of hopes.
One day,
you will understand.
I held on,
but no longer can.
So I become,
that quiet whisper,
that silent ghost,
that vacant lot.
I disappear,
and say goodbye.

Random Poems By Moi. =)

Here are all the poems I have written to date. Enjoy and feel free to comment.




A night's despair

Looking at the moon through the window,
I saw the nicest image .
the snow, the moons accomplice ,
resembles the star filled sky.

At the first light of the day arising ,
the sparrow pierced the nocturnal silence
with its (sublime) chant.
it sung an emotional yet sad song.

The time has come for the tide to rise,
a strange sensation took over.
I ran towards the flag.
threw myself into the darkness ,
as a sign of despair ,
part of me wanted to die,
and the other wanted to hide.

A drop of red blood,
thick and viscous,
came to stain the white snow.
I had to stop dreaming.
I had to start living again.
Living of my child like games.

A winter night
The snow so white and pure falls.
It falls slowly on the midnight blue sky.
just like the stars in this nocturnal sky,
the snow sparkles.
Reflecting the moon's light,
everything is nice.
Not a sound,
Not a movement.

Upon this magic sight we sit and ponder,
Where is this going to take us?
You look into my eyes ,
and I look into yours.
I can see the stars,
I can see the snow,
I can see deep into your soul
and I realize where this is going.
We slowly move towards each other.
our lips touch.

After a few moments i pull away,
I look at you again.
Hurt.
I trusted you.
I loved you.
and you betrayed me.
You took my heart,
you took my love ,
and killed it.

And now I sit here and cry;
The tears slowly falling off my cold cheeks,
Falling onto the freshly fallen snow.
I sit here alone;
remembering that cold winter's night,
the night you broke my heart.


WHY?

Looking through the thick fog,
I saw your face.
Your face full of regret,
sorry for what we had been through.
I saw your face.
The face of a lover,
The face of a friend.
I saw your face.
Asking me why?



My biggest fear

As I sit here and ponder I think about all the things I'm afraid of.
From heights to spiders.
From spiders to being alone.
But as I ponder more and more,
I realize that my greatest fear
is who I am.
I fear living my life as someone else.
Someone who is not really me.
Someone people want me to be.
but that really isn't me.
I can only say this to face my fears,
I am ME and I will always be ME no matter what people think or say.
I will not hide behind an image.
I will not lie to please others.
I will stay ME as long as I live.

Friendship

Friendship is a source.
A source of respect.
A source of happiness.
A source of love.
But above all,
It is a source of mutual support when you need it the most.

LOVE

Love is the best thing that can happen to one person. It brings joy and happiness to people and when you are truly happy, the people around you will see it and feel it too. A person who is in love is not only happy but makes people in his/her surroundings happy as well.

The Beast

Tonight I sit here looking out the window.
As I stare at the nature in its purest form,
I stare into the woods hoping to here your voice.
I look into the darkness and hope.
I then hear something.
It is not you voice.
I am curious.
I go out into the woods.
Under my feet the branches and leaves crackle.
I walk deeper and deeper.
I reach a small creek.
I hear that noise again.
I cross the creek.
I begin to tremble.
And then as I here you call my name,
A wild animal jumps out in front of me.
I jump but then realize that it's what I really wanted.
As the wild beast attacks me I let it chew on my flesh.
You were too late.
And like the wild beast hurting me,
you hurt me just as bad,
If not more.
I gave you my heart.
I gave you my soul.
And you,
you took it all and threw it all away.
Like I didn't mean anything to you.

PAST

Every night I go to sleep.
I hear the voices.
I see the faces.
My face.
The way I imagine it looked that day.
Sore and red from my tears.
And then I live through the pain again.
The pain I felt
As you slowly took my childhood away.
I can see your face now.
Grinning as you looked over me.
As my dreams are haunted by this past,
I cry and tremble still today.
Knowing my life has never been the same,
Never,
Since that day you took my childhood away.

BUTTERFLY SOUL

Tonight,
I let my soul free.
Free like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon.
Free like I've never been before.
I set it free to empty its deepest fears.
I set it free to show me what it wants me to be.
Happy.
I set my butterfly off on a quest.
A quest to find me ,
to find what I want to be,
Who I want to be.
It is finally time for my soul to fly.
Time for it to open its cocoon,
and reveal its natural beauty to the world.

ESCAPE

Walking alone to this place I have been looking for.
This place I've been waiting to find,
The place I longed for,
The place I thought about.
A world of peace,
A world of harmony,
Where people can live together without war,
Where we can all go to escape the burdens of our lives.
But then I realize that this place can not be found.
All over people are fighting.
Killing for their beliefs.
I need to escape this life.
I need to find my place.
My place to call home,
and my place to escape from all the prejudice of the world.

I KNOW

In my heart I know.
I know you are out there somewhere.
Waiting.
Waiting for me.
Looking for the right person to complete you .
Just as I am doing now.
Looking, Hoping to find that person.
What if I never did?
Should I just settle for what I've got?
or, should I keep looking for him?
So I can be truly happy.
But, what if you where closer than I thought.
Or just older and wiser .
Just old enough for a relationship to be weird.
Not to me.
But to others.
Those who judge people and make assumptions.
In my heart I know you are out there.
Waiting for your true love.
Just as I am waiting here.
Hopefully we will find each other.
Hopefully we can be happy even without each other.
But I pray.
And I hope.
That I do find you before it is too late.

UNTITLED

I have found the one for me.
Even if for just for a glimpse in time.
I know that I will be happy.
Happy like I've never been.
Even if just for that short moment,
when the sun dips below the horizon,
I know he will be there for me.
When I think about him my heart flutters,
My stomach jumps about.
Now,
I have never met this person,
so I wonder how can he make me happy?
But just by being there and respecting me,
He makes me happy.
I can not wait to talk to him again.
And every time we say goodbye
Its the hardest thing I have to do.

BROTHER

Brother.
I look into the fiery caves of your soul.
Searching for some good,
But all I find is hatred.
Hatred towards me.
For everything I have ever been or done.
You wish for me to die.
You bring me down.
I cry.
And as I sit here and write these very words,
I begin to wish that I would die
For life would be easier for those I love.
I look again
And give up hope to find the brother that had once loved me.

TIME

I am happy now for the very first time.
As the sun dips into an ocean so blue,
I sit here finally freed.
Freed from my fiery past.
A past of hatred and rivalry.

As i run towards the future,
I can't help but wonder.
The moon begins to light the night sky.
I wonder more and more.
Why did he hate me so much?

And now as time goes by.
My dreams stand still in time.
Stuck in the past,
Looking for its freedom.
Making me wonder what I had done wrong.

But now, I am freed.
I dreams are back where they belong.
I live my life alone.
Ignored by those I had once loved,
but who had never loved me.

UNTITLED

I wish to take back the things I said
I know we hurt you but you must know.
I did it with the best intentions.
Trying to protect you from your past.
Tried to keep you from making the same mistakes.
Only to realize that we were wrong.
You are who you are .
You do what you do.

As we tried to help you,
We lost something even more important.
We lost our bond.
The one that had kept us united in hard times.
Now as we drift away,
I watch you ruin the best of you.
As you give yourself to a man,
A man who couldn't care less about you.

As I write these words I think about our past.
All the memories.
From the tears of prom night,
To the laughs of a long due reunion.
And all the moments in between.
I realize that friendship
is a bond that can never be lost.

It can be put aside for a moment.
Or lost for some time.
But friends will always be around.
No matter when.
No matter why.
So I am hoping that this is just a pass.
And that our friendship will surpass the challenges of life.

Memories

Reminded of a past long forgotten,
I sit alone again and cry.
As the many nights have passed,
Alone I relive the memories.
Waiting for that special person to come.
Into my life he arrives,
to change my world
and make me new.
In the past I have cried
and now as I see you here by my side,
I smile.
You are there for me in times of need.
Ready to listen,
lending a shoulder to cry on.
As your hands gently touch my face,
I hope for a better future.
To forget the past ,
and leave the memories behind.

Untitled

As a past long forgotten catches up to the present
A love long forgotten
Returning into our lives
One of us hurt, the other confused.
Where do I stand now?
Have I made you as happy?
As I say these last words to you
I become a little wiser.
To love someone is one thing
and learning to let go is another.
When you love someone,
You can't be scared to let go when needed.
If you being happy means me letting go,
then i will do it
I will let you go and I will get through it.
I will keep standing tall and I will never forget
the times spent together
And if your happy then I’m happy.
Love is a strange and mysterious thing.
For some it comes easy
For others it is filled with challenges


Sweetest Goodbyes

You were my everything
My star in the sky
who guided me through dark times
My sun
Who lighted up my life daily
You were my shoulder to cry on
You were my strength
my everything
And now I’m chasing the star
chasing the dreams
Hoping to turn back the tide
Hoping my star wont fade
But its too late
My star is gone
And my hopes too
Just know that I loved you
and that will always be true
Goodbye now
Goodbye my star
Goodbye my sun
Goodbye my everything



I love you
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
all I know
is that I love you so
You are the one that makes me whole
You are the one that warms my soul
Without you I am empty
without you I am cold
I love you and I need you
and I don’t know how to tell you

I wish I chose different
but I was ignorant
I knew I loved you
but I chose to run
Oh how I wish it wasn’t true
Oh how I wish Id just wake up
and be laying next to you
the one that’s true

I don’t know how else to let you know
that my heart is filled with sorrow
but I hope these few words will do
cause at this time my cheeks are soaked with dew.


UNITING SOULS


Every night i go to sleep,
I think about those like me.
Slowly fading into the darkness,
wondering what could of been done to change.
To make the world a better place,
different races unite in peace.
Fighting to free the world,
As common ground was found.
A fight to erase pain,
pain for the families of all those who have lost their souls.

As the earth turns and turns,
the world uniting to prevent,
uniting to protect.
As the future comes along,
the pain can slowly vanish.
A goal set high,
but worth the time.
As for the many generations before,
those who couldn't be saved,
there is hope for the future.
As the world unites.

As the new souls arrive,
One by one each day,
A common passion for life is born.
In the joining of the healthy
To help the sick,
Awareness is rising.
As the illness disappears into the shadows of the past,
hope for the younger generations arrives.

As I close my eyes for the very last time,
I think of all those who have made a difference.
A single tear
gently rolling off my cheek.
Awareness brought back from the shadows,
as more and more people open their hearts;
the last of the lost souls can now be freed,
for the next generations have been helped.

Solitary

Alone in this room I used to call ours.
Crying and searching.
Looking for that one place that made me feel safe,
But I can not find it.
This room used to soothe me,
Calm my fears
And dry my tears.
Now as I sit here looking,
It only brings up more turmoil.
It makes me scared.
Confused.
I don’t belong here.
I never have.
I cry and tremble still
As I think of mistakes past.
I am alone.
I shall face these problems alone.
Solitary.
In this place I once called home.
Where I loved you,
And you loved me.

Friends

As I sit here and write these words
I think about the moments shared
We had a bond,
A special one.
Friends is what we were
But I feel that bond no more.
It is gone.
Vanished.
And just like me
I am vanishing…
Slowly out of each of your lives
Time to move on and leave the past behind
And as the person who had once been
I wish you all the best of luck.


In your eyes,
I found love.
In your heart,
I saw life.
Now and forever,
My heart belongs to you.
Deep within my mind and soul,
I know that you were the one for me.
I’ve made mistakes,
And that I know.
I’m far from perfect,
Far from you
and how I wish it wasn’t true.
I love you dearly,
Today, tomorrow and forever.




Today I wake up and wonder,
What will tomorrow be like?
Will there still be a sky?
Or will it be covered by smoke?
Will there still be trees?
Or will the city take over?
Will there still be animals and plants?
Or will they be gone too?
I wonder…
As our planet slowly dies,
People abusing of its supplies,
I wonder why
When they can try.
We know things today
That our great grandkids will never know
But only read about in books.
Or will those be gone too?
I wonder…


The Battle
Guilt.
That little voice inside,
The one that brings remorse.
Remorse and all those other things.
Shows up when your heart has made the right choice,
To try and make you go back.
With this guilt,
Comes anger and sadness.
One minute you want to cry ,
The next to kill
And It hurts your heart
Heart.
Gets hurt every now and then,
But always heals
It is also that other voice you can hear;
The one that keeps you on the right path.
Stronger of the two it will fight guilt,
And with the mind ,
Keep your head on straight.
Mind.
Strongest of them all ,
It joins the heart in healing,
Cause when the mind says:
“It’s gonna be okay.”
The heart follows the thought
And you stop hurting
These elements fighting deep within;
Tearing you apart
Every day and every night
In a constant battle.
Then one day.
You wake up
And it’s all over.
The battle is done.
You realize that you aren’t awake at all
You are cold
And you are dead.

Me, myself and …

Hurts to know,
That I loved you so.
Giving you my heart,
So you could tear it apart.
Left you in the cold of the night,
So I could scream with all my might.
Wishing to go back in time,
Without your life of crime.
Far from the tears,
Away from all my fears.
No more danger.
No more stranger.
Just me, myself and…
Our child.

Je Love

Quand tu me dit je t’aime
My heart melts.
When you look into my eyes
Je t’ouvre la porte de mon ame
Et retrouve les papillons d’un nouvel amour.
That mushy feeling inside when I think of you
Reminds me why I love you so.
Ces etoiles dans tes yeux
Ton sourire rassurant
The way you treat me
With the respect that I deserve.
Je t’aime aussi
Et cela pour toujours.

When you tell me you love me
my heart melts
when you look into my eyes
I open to you my soul
and find once again the butterflies of a new love
That mushy feeling inside when I think of you
Reminds me why I love you so
Those stars in your eyes
your reassuring smile
The way you treat me
with the respect that I deserve
I love you too
and that forever.

You came around one day
When I had given up hope
Made my fears go away
Made my pain fade
Nothing in the world matters
At least not as much as you do to me
On my own lil cloud
I think of you and I miss you so
In my heart and in my soul
I shall cherish you forever
The tender memories
The sweetest I love you’s
Taught me how to trust again
And how to love
Showed me that not all men were bad
Gave me hope
And made me smile
Ill love you for that
And forever that is true
My heart is yours
And only yours
Today, tomorrow and forever.

Fix Me
I hear the pieces of my broken heart
Yearning for that special kiss.
To feel the touch
Of him I love.
A tender touch
So warm and true
Mending up the pieces whole.
I long for him
I wait for him
The one who’ll make me live again.
I wait and wait
The days are passing
And time is running.
I hope and pray that he is near.
The man I’ll hold so dear.

Somethings bout me...

1. Favorite songs, music groups from the 50’s … now com’on u have heard tunes your parents played or on movies. Ummmm……My parents weren’t born yet…and Im drawing a blank.

2. Favorite songs or music groups from the 60’s : My parents were too young then and I cant think of anything right now

3. Favorite songs or music groups from the 70’s : Imagine ( John Lennon-1971) Behind blue eyes ( The Who- 1971) Pianoman ( Billy Joel- 1973) At seventeen ( Janis Ian- 1975) Hotel California ( Eagles -1976) Come Sail Away ( Styx- 1977)

4. Favorite songs or music groups from the 80’s : I wanna know what love it ( Foreigner- 1984) Bon Jovi ( Love all his older stuff) With or without you ( U2 – 1986)

5. Favorite songs or music group from the 90’s: Madonna ( her 90s stuff was awesome) Kiss me ( the cardigans – 1990) Walking in Memphis ( Mark Cohn – 1991) Guns n roses, REM and more Bon Jovi, Ace of base, Bryan Adams, What is love ( Haddaway -1993) Aqua, Green Day ,Finger Eleven, Pearl Jam, Goo Goo Dolls, Ergh…Im just gonna stop here…1/2 my songs are from the 90s lol

6. Favorite songs or music groups now 2000’s : Ummm… Ummm…Sick Puppies , Mentake, Hedley , 12 stones , Stone Sour , 50 cent, Blindside ,Kelly Clarkson, Sean Paul, Eminem, Simple plan , Sylver, Placebo , Matt white band, Modest Mouse, 10 years, 8mm, La rocca, Fort Minor, Hinder, James Blunt, Rex Goudie, The Fray, Theory of a deadman, Blue October, George Canyon, Eva Avila, Red hot chili peppers, Daniel Powter…. I really listen to anything…LOL could go on here too but Ill spare yall the reading..cant forget Cocaine Cowgirl by matt mays and el torpedo ( 2005)

7. A song or movie you remember as a child that you still can remember. Benji and la guerre des tuques. Both movies I absolutely loved when I was little

8. Favorite movie(s) that you like to watch that makes you laugh and cry : School of life. GREAT movie!

9. Favorite love story : Pride and prejudice Watched it for the first time last night and OMG other then that…a walk to remember or the notebook.

10. Favorite love song : Wait for love ( Matt White- 2007) for now…my musical tastes are like a roller coaster. Okay theres another one… lol It will be me ( Melissa Etheridge- Brother bear 2 OST)

11. Favorite thriller movie : Im too much of a sissy for thrillers lol…naw…Ummm Rose Red I guess… if it falls under here.

12. Favorite sci fi : Sci Fi? Whats dat?

13. Favorite action movie: Don’t think I have one.

14. Favorite Actors : Don’t have any

15. Favorite Actresses : Don’t have any.

16. Favorite musicals : RENT,

17. Favorite fantasy movie (lol go ahead tell me the XXX’s ones too) : Ummm .. Im way too innocent for porn…

18. Favorite sports movies (don’t wanna leave ya guys out!) : Maurice Richard( aka the rocket in english)

19. Favorite documentary : gah…what was the title….Was about penguins lol

20. Favorite actor/actress/ singer/group when you were a teen. Pretty much all the same as now…teen was only 3 years ago…LOL

See for those of you who already didnt know...Im a complete weirdo when it comes to music and movies...anything goes!

Lonely.

Here is a dream i had last night.It might not make much sense as to who is who and who is you but its because I told my friend about it in IM and I just copy pasted it to here.

I was starting a buisness with friends and one of my very good friends caroline (whos engaged) was there and we were just planning everything and we had this big huge house we were living in and i had just gotten a puppy.
So i was very very stressed and you were in the house with us but had your own area and I was overly stressed so I would go to you and we were listening to music and i was just cuddled up really close with my head on your shoulder and my friend walks in And she got jealous and let my puppy out of the house untied and he ran away so you helped me find him and then you got very distant with me
and i couldnt understand and she got very distant with me too and so i was talking to her fiance and he kept telling me how lucky i was to have someone like you to go to when i was feeling down or stressed and i just kept crying and he asked why so i told him what had happend and he got angry at her
and then you left for good and i was sad

No more icecaps before bed!

So I went on a date last night and we finished it up with some icecaps before he took me home. Well... going to bed right after and having walked in a thunderstorm getting soaked cause it was raining so hard... I had the strangest dream. First time in a while I feel the urge to blog about my dream but it was just that weird.

Basically... God was trying to kill me.He/she ( kept toggling between the 2 bodies) was driving and kept parking car under pylons so id get hit by lightning but somehow i kept escaping.I made my way into a balloon field... but was followed by meteor balloons cause the field was like a map of the stars and then i finally got pissed off and grabbed a balloon walked up to God and popped the balloon on the wall saying ENOUGH and then God looked at me and said OKay... enough but be careful what you wish for and be thankful you been a good person...

I woke up in a sweat so sure God was trying to kill me that it took me a few minutes to realize I had been dreaming.

Moral of the story : NO MORE ICE CAPS BEFORE BED unless you wanna have weird ass dreams.

Anticipation

Here is how I wish things will go when we first meet.... or atleast how I dream them up. Enjoy. xxx

From that very first day we started talking I have been wanting to meet you. Longing for that very first kiss and that very first touch.That day has finally arrived and I get to meet the man who has made my heart beat faster and my nights seem shorter.I am beginning to get nervous, feeling my stomach fill with butterflies as the time passes. My body starting to twitch in anticipation as my bus gets closer to the airport where you flight is due to land in half an hour. The rain gently batting on the window making me drift ever so slightly in the thoughts of you and your sweet kisses ( at least I imagine them to be). Just a light drizzle is left by the time I get off the bus and make my way to the airport waiting area.

I am too nervous to stand while I wait for him so I look around and find an empty seat and sit down, taking my book out of my bag. I try my best to calm my nerves down but just the reading doesn't seem to keep my mind at east. I am so nervous.I decide to pop my headphones in and turn on my music and start zoning back into my book, forgetting my surroundings.I escape to the world of American Gods ...

I am taken out of my dreams by a warm gentle hand squeezing my shoulder lightly. Startled by this I jump up and turn around quickly.It is here , at this moment, that I realize that I had fallen asleep and that your plan had landed almost an hour ago.You stay there ,behind me (well now in front since I turned around but you know...), just smiling at me. I smile back at you and start to hurry around the seats to find myself close to you. You put your bag down and take me into your arms in a sweet embrace. Holding me and letting me press tightly into you smelling you , absorbing you. You take my face into your sturdy hands and lift my face up a little higher so I am looking at you and you ever so slightly kiss my forehead.Its like everything and everyone just stopped happening. Like nothing else mattered and its just you and me. I smile and let out a small sigh of relief.

We slowly make our way out of the crowded airport and back out into the cool rain. I call us a cab so we can get into the city and to your hotel room where god knows what adventures lay ahead of us.In the car you just cant help but smile as you take my hand into yours and make me blush....

This part I wrote. It all came naturally the rest... will come by mail in a few weeks and it was part of a dream that started when you made me blush that very first time. I really do hope you will enjoy my writing. I try my best to make what I feel make sense for you...sometimes for me too...

Back... Maybe

So I haven't done this whole blogging thing in a bit.Ive been dreaming of course , except nothing has been the same since He and I drifted apart. I miss him terribly but in the end i know it was for the best. So whats been new. Not much really . Life is hectic as always and I have a new job again . It sucks but hey... it pays the bills.

I had a new friend for a while.Lets call him G . He was 40 but still very good looking .The sex was good but I stupidly fell in love with him and told him how I felt praying and hoping so hard that he wouldn't run. But in the end I lost him. I miss his kisses against my skin , his warm hands against my naked body. I miss the way he would kiss my forehead when I was feeling down or tell me it was all gonna be okay. In the end it was all Bullshit.

The problem with me is that I fall in love too easily. I let people in without thinking of the outcome. Everyone gets a chance in my books . Everyone is equal and everyone is trusted and loved until they are given a reason not to be.

My 22nd birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I am fairly sure I will be spending it alone again this year.No cake , no presents , no friends or family around other then the usual mom , brother and step dad. Last year on my birthday the 4 of us went out to dinner ( which I paid my 4th of the bill) and then I went to the movies alone to see Shrek the 3rd and then walked home in the pouring rain. It sucked.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. I just want to love and be loved by family , men and what not and I cant even seem to get that. Am I that bad of a person that I don't deserve happiness ? Am I that much of a bitch that not one man has been in my life for more then a few months ? Seriously ... Whats wrong with me ????

Guess I will finish off this blog by adding a picture and typing in my most recent poem in here. Enjoy and sorry about all the ranting and bitching.

Fix Me
I hear the pieces of my broken heart
Yearning for that special kiss.
To feel the touch
Of him I love.
A tender touch
So warm and true
Mending up the pieces whole.
I long for him
I wait for him
The one who’ll make me live again.
I wait and wait
The days are passing
And time is running.
I hope and pray that he is near.
The man I’ll hold so dear.