People are shit.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do and what to think. I'm tired of people telling me who to be friends with and who not to be friends with. I'm cleaning up my messenger, I'm cleaning ti all up and deleting everyone and starting fresh.
I hate when people try and make me choose between 2 friends. Sure no one is perfect but dammit... least they are themselves. I've always been the type of person who looks for the best in people and sometimes it blows up in my face like it did today.

I was in cribbage social lounge on yahoo when Mc ( friend of mine from a while back) and Fed ( no one likes him much but he can be okay when he wants to be) and the both of them were going at it like they normally do bitching left and right and then i said Fed wasn't that bad and I kinda liked him. Mc got mad at me told me to fuck off and get out of his life. I still cant believe he would do that to me after I defended his choices so many times when people stopped talking to him cause of the girl he was involved with.He then gets personal and very nasty with me so I AM DONE!

My Mind

Okay, I haven't dreamed but I have a lot on my mind and I thought I would write things out. My mind has been like a gibberish of thoughts and feelings. Happiness of finding old friends , sadness of losing some friends and the confusion brought on by what seems to be an impossible Love , if you can call it that. When you've never met in person , but you can't seem to take them off your mind or that every minute you spend talking just never seems like enough. When you wish to be there with them , to hold them and to show them just how much you care about them. To show them that the words you've been typing you actually meant them. I hate the distance between us. I hate not being able to show him how I really feel and I hate not being there with him. I'm trying so hard to save up so I could at least visit for a couple days but it always seems something is holding me back. When it isn't the urgent need for new clothes ( darn weight loss or rips) it's money disappearing from my can I keep in my nightstand for loose change and couple bills I save up.

I think I am going mad. All this yelling at home in the evening ( and most nights until passed 1am) then waking up at 3:30 and going to work all day then getting home at 6pm... then TRYING to stay up to talk to him cause I miss him. Then going to bed and trying to sleep I almost always end up thinking about the past and the mistakes that I've made . How many times I let go of someone I should of kept around and how much I ended up missing them in the end. I don't ever want to let go of him like that. I want him in my life and somehow I'm starting to think that I NEED him in my life.

I've been going through a lot lately. First off , I came home from work Saturday night 2 weeks ago and my dog could barely walk. She seemed to have some bite on her inner thigh and when I asked my brother what happened to her, he told me he didn't know which I found out on the Monday , after a missed day of work cause I had to take her to the vet, was a bull face lie. He beat her. He hurt her and now I'm scared. I sleep with the door locked and I avoid being home when I know no one else will be here even though I know he isn't allowed in the house alone with me or the dog anymore. Second of all , my friend has been ill and I don't know what he has. I worry about him , known him too long not to.

The stress of living here is gonna kill me ( or at least make me ill) but I can't afford to move out due to a 120$ a week rent I pay at home plus the foods for my lunches for work , which is usually 2 meals cause well I'm just not hungry at 4am, half the phone/cable/internet bill plus a 182$ bus pass I have to buy to go to work every month. ARGH!

::::::Note to self ::::
STEPHEN KING BOOKS = NO READ BEFORE BED cuz = NIGHTMARES