My Mind

Okay, I haven't dreamed but I have a lot on my mind and I thought I would write things out. My mind has been like a gibberish of thoughts and feelings. Happiness of finding old friends , sadness of losing some friends and the confusion brought on by what seems to be an impossible Love , if you can call it that. When you've never met in person , but you can't seem to take them off your mind or that every minute you spend talking just never seems like enough. When you wish to be there with them , to hold them and to show them just how much you care about them. To show them that the words you've been typing you actually meant them. I hate the distance between us. I hate not being able to show him how I really feel and I hate not being there with him. I'm trying so hard to save up so I could at least visit for a couple days but it always seems something is holding me back. When it isn't the urgent need for new clothes ( darn weight loss or rips) it's money disappearing from my can I keep in my nightstand for loose change and couple bills I save up.

I think I am going mad. All this yelling at home in the evening ( and most nights until passed 1am) then waking up at 3:30 and going to work all day then getting home at 6pm... then TRYING to stay up to talk to him cause I miss him. Then going to bed and trying to sleep I almost always end up thinking about the past and the mistakes that I've made . How many times I let go of someone I should of kept around and how much I ended up missing them in the end. I don't ever want to let go of him like that. I want him in my life and somehow I'm starting to think that I NEED him in my life.

I've been going through a lot lately. First off , I came home from work Saturday night 2 weeks ago and my dog could barely walk. She seemed to have some bite on her inner thigh and when I asked my brother what happened to her, he told me he didn't know which I found out on the Monday , after a missed day of work cause I had to take her to the vet, was a bull face lie. He beat her. He hurt her and now I'm scared. I sleep with the door locked and I avoid being home when I know no one else will be here even though I know he isn't allowed in the house alone with me or the dog anymore. Second of all , my friend has been ill and I don't know what he has. I worry about him , known him too long not to.

The stress of living here is gonna kill me ( or at least make me ill) but I can't afford to move out due to a 120$ a week rent I pay at home plus the foods for my lunches for work , which is usually 2 meals cause well I'm just not hungry at 4am, half the phone/cable/internet bill plus a 182$ bus pass I have to buy to go to work every month. ARGH!

::::::Note to self ::::
STEPHEN KING BOOKS = NO READ BEFORE BED cuz = NIGHTMARES